You might have heard the phrase “High Functioning” being bandied around in connection with mental health issues.

What does it mean? Well, generally, it is taken to mean someone who has a serious mental condition, like autism, ADHD etc, but who has managed to largely cover it up. This is known as masking, the problem with masking is that it is very tiring.

Masking is simply trying to appear “normal” for an easier life, or in most cases to keep a job. So, when a neurodivergent person knows that what they are about to say or do something that would weird out a neurotypical person they stop themselves. It is a learned behaviour, usually through embarrassment or shame.

You cannot deny who you are forever though. It is impossibly tiring.

Sometimes you are lucky enough that you can be your unpredictable self in most situations, I am one of them. Not at work though.

My ADHD, anxiety and other issues meant that I was a model employee, worked hard, did far too much and took over other people’s slack.

A few years ago though, I could no longer do that. Even though it goes against what I am I had to start saying no to things. This is where the phrase “High Functioning” often gets wheeled out.

“You did this before, and there were no problems.”

No problems for you, or the people that I deal with no. There were significant problems for me though.

Anxiety about doing things wrong, concern that I was upsetting people by doing things the way that I was. Worst of all though was that I have a very heightened sense of what is fair.

I realised that I was doing more work than people paid several grades more than me. In a lot of cases I was doing their work, on top of my own. My fairness sensor went off the scale and I ended up having a fairly major mental issue.

Mental disability often means that you can do whatever other people are doing, but some days you just can’t.

Some months you just can’t, even some years.

I am still the person that bosses come to to get stuff done even now, and I am getting to a point where I am seriously having to think about my working future. I barely get through some working days without running off screaming into the forest.

I am not a young chap anymore, when I was younger my ADHD boredom drove me to change jobs into a different thing entirely. This was fine, but it meant that when my peers got better jobs and moved up through the corporate, or academic, structure I did not.

I learnt quickly and I managed to get good at each new job efficiently. When discussions were raised about me going further that was when I struggled. I cannot, for the life of me, big myself up or “sell” myself. I just cannot do it. That and the fact that I totally doubt my ability.

So here I am, still some years from retirement and just trudging along in a job that respects me less than I respect it. I am getting to a point where working full time might become too much for me.

In amongst that I still feel like I should make a success of comedy writing, although if I had it is entirely likely that I would have suffered even more from the pressure and the unpredictably of the temporary employment. I struggle to write now as I feel like I should be doing it, not just for fun. I am trying to work around that but it is not easy.

I have what is called “Decision Paralysis.” This is where people with ADHD have lots of ideas of things that they want to do, but as you cannot do all of them, you do none.

Then feel guilty about letting people down.

This is not a thing to expect you to feel sorry for me, just something in the way of explanation why I am the way I am. Which is something that I am only gradually coming to terms with myself.

I like making people laugh, so I hope to be able to do that again in one way or another soonish, but if I get excited about a new project and then don’t do it as it seems too big, this is why.

Hopefully you can all be more understanding about this than I am with myself.

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I wrote this some time ago. I am a bit better at making things, I am gradually starting to write for example. I have too many ideas to write but it is a start. I am finding fun in the words again, so that is positive.

I still hate my job and I am pretty sure that my employer hates me, but I am good at my job still, even now. So that is a problem for them.They are massively short staffed, due to poor pay and rubbish conditions people keep leaving.

Somehow they seem unable to put two and two together. When they do it adds up to bonuses for upper management and nothing for us. Odd that.

I have put some plans in place, I am doing another comedy improv course early next year, to get myself out there again and meet people. I might even make some of them laugh. Who knows?