I am currently having a bit of a quandary. I have a few days off and I was planning to go to a music shop in nearby Leeds to have a play with some synths. The trouble is that does not really play well with my mental health. I love synths and making music, but…
I will almost certainly find something that I must have, and once I have it I will rarely use it as I feel guilty about buying it for myself. Add to that I am not a great musician or anything and imposter syndrome logs on.
I am going to sell a few things and buy something else, but I have not done that yet. If I go today I will only make silly decisions and regret it.
Especially when I want to really be writing. So, I am going to behave like a grown up for once. I am going to a coffee shop in a nearby almost derelict town centre and sit down with my notebook and try and figure out what I want to do and why. (Once I have written this obviously.)
What do you mean Trev? I hear no one ask through the medium of binary finery.
Well, I recently took my notebook and wrote out everything that I could think of that I wanted to make or do. It ran to three pages and I am still adding to it. I get focussed on something, and for a little time, it is something that I have to learn about. Then soon enough the next thing comes along.
This is why I have written a children’s book, made several podcasts, done stand-up, improv… And so on.
It is awful sometimes living inside my head, it’s like there is a raucous party going on in there but I am not invited. Well, I am, but only to provide refreshments and some entertainment.*
I am a people pleaser, and for some reason, I have to make things for other people. Not for me.
I need to figure out a way to make something that satisfies me, not for some imagined audience. This was one of the reasons I was actually making music more again, I know that I am rubbish at that, so I have no real expectations. Every now and then I do make something that I am relatively happy with, but most stay as 8 bar loops or a short musical sketch.
I am relatively fine with that. Relatively.
I have considered doing something for a charity, as in volunteering I mean. I would like to leave the world a better place than I found it, but that is not easy either. What can I do? I suppose I could drive or something, or maybe fix computers. I could even do some performance or writing based stuff.
This isn’t self-pity, I just thought that writing this out might help me rationalise what is going on in my head. What has always gone on in my head, along with the anxiety and the low self-esteem.
I am a rudderless Ship (I am not sorry for this joke, you try having a surname like Ship.) at the moment, but I am working hard at being better.
* Yes, I know, and I am waiting for an ADHD Assessment, until then we tread water as I try to figure out why I am the way that I am.
Note: This was written in only a few minutes on purpose, thus it has only had cursory checks for spelling, grammar etc. Sorry if that upsets you but it was like written trepanning, I am hoping that letting some of this stuff out of my head might help me get into some sort of focus.
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