“Dance like no one is watching’ Even though there is now a crowd, a news team... “I wish my wife was this dirty…” A 'hilarious' thing to write in the dirt on the...

A problem shared, is a problem halved. Bit selfish isn’t it? It maybe halved it for the... Accent colours A woman painted her sitting room in accent colours and... Accountants You never hear of anyone getting attacked in the Office... Adult film I watched an adult film. I have to admit I... Ageing Tackle the 7 signs of ageing by dying young. What... All you need is love… And a mystery benefactor [kwee_encyclopedia] Alpha Male An early prototype of the male software and hardware. Which... Amphetamine Despite what Blue Peter told us in the eighties, double... Anger Management I went to an anger management support group last week.... Apple I am like an Apple product. I can work with... Appraisial I met my boss at 12:59 today. That was, apparently,... Attention My colleagues complain that don't pay attention to their ideas.... Audi Drivers Audi have released a safety update. Please uninstall drivers and... Avuncular An uncle who knows a lot about TVs and Hi... Awkward Paws A charity for cats and dogs with social issues. [kwee_encyclopedia]

BDSM When I rang them up about driving lessons they were... Bees Knees Why do Bees knees get so much praise? Are they... Bing Think how much more popular Chandler on Friends would have... Blue Movie A Smurfs film. [kwee_encyclopedia] Breakfast News TV programme where they say "Good Morning" and then spend...

C word I used the C word at work today. That wasn't... Cage Fighters What is all of this fuss about cage fighters? I... Call Centres If my call was so fucking important to you, why... Career This is a word that describes what you do for... Casual sex? I would settle for formal and stilted sex after this... Cat Food Has anyone bothered to find out what the other 2... Celebrity Chefs There are too many male chefs in this kitchen, I... Change My manager said that I had to demonstrate managing change.... Chicken or the egg Which came first? It depends on which one was male.... Coffee I like my women like I like my coffee. Bitter.... Cowboys I only know 7 jokes about cowboys. They are all... Croque Monsieur Rubber shoes for French men. [kwee_encyclopedia]

Death I was playing chance with the Grim Reaper. I was... Death By A Thousand Cuts One letter short of being an accurate description of my... Deja Moo The feeling you get when you know that you recognise... Doing the job right gets the job done. Doing it wrong, and then blaming someone else guarantees you... Dragons I have just realised that dragons could not blow out... Dreams I used to have lots of dreams about breasts. Until...

Education Education is supposed to prepare you for adult life. All... Envelope I pushed the envelope and all I got was paper... Essential Oils Who decided which oils were 'essential'? I have never been... Every Day Is A Gift If every day is a gift can I get a... Exposure What unpaid creatives die from. [kwee_encyclopedia] Exstropolate To work out, hours after an argument has finished, why...

Fall from Grace My fall from grace was inevitable really. It would have... Farrow & Ball In 1993 Mia Farrow’s decorating sundries company was in a... Foreplay I made a joke about foreplay and all of the...

Genial I was going to approach a casual acquaintance in a... Ghost Writing The process of writing not using your real name, sometimes... Ghosts Why isn’t there a more accessible alternative to a ouija... Goldilocks “My porridge is too hot” Said Daddy Bear. “Like your... Golf Why are male golfers so attractive to women? Must be... Good Friday Good Friday is, of course, followed by "Is it Sunday?"... Google If Google was pronounced Go-ogle it would have probably have...

Hatch.com A dating service for shy gay female chickens - Making... Hentai Not S&M for poultry lovers. [kwee_encyclopedia] High Definition A dictionary on the top shelf [kwee_encyclopedia] History If history really repeats itself, why is the bloody History... Hot Desking A term used to describe positively the situation that an...

I am thinking about you, yes. I am also thinking what do they do with the... I feel like a million dollars… Not as impressive as twenty years ago. [kwee_encyclopedia] I have still got it. It's just that these days fewer people are interested in... I hear you whisper my name on the wind… Which is impressive colon control when you think about it.... If you are what you eat… How many arseholes has Piers Morgan eaten? [kwee_encyclopedia] Impossible Nothing isn't impossible. I have worked with lots of people... Imposter Syndrome I am not well qualified enough to define this. Sorry.... Internetty A toilet in Newcastle with fast streaming opportunities. [kwee_encyclopedia] Interviews There are generally two types of interview. The ones where... It’s a little bit funny, but then again, no. Radio 4 Executive: “And that’s why we are putting you...

Kindness You can kill someone with kindness, but it is generally... Kung Fu Fighting Surely not everyone was kung fu fighting? Were there any...

Lawyers Have you hurt your fingers in a cupboard door? You... Letters A man who gets inexplicably angry at just 5 letters... Live Stream Something for perverts to watch, or maybe it is a...

Marriage The main cause of divorce. If half of marriages end... Moisturiser A cream, or oil, that is designed to rehydrate dry... Motivational Quotes Treat all motivational quotes with suspicion. For example, putting your... Mum Jokes The oldest example of a your Mum joke.Is, of course,... Murders If someone murders more than three people at once does...

Negative Equity The pessimistic actors union [kwee_encyclopedia] Never judge a book by the cover A phrase that people in book marketing must really hate.... No “I” in team "There is no I in team..." "There is 'meat' though..."... Noel Edmonds Just think, someone somewhere is thinking about Noel Edmonds right...

Octopus Prime A fast calamari delivery service. [kwee_encyclopedia] Oil If vegetable oil is made from vegetables, and sunflower oil... Organ Donor It is going to be really difficult getting this Wurlitzer...

Passwords I was setting up a new account and I needed... Pepsi I’d like a Coke please.” “Is Pepsi okay?” “I’m not... Pi I can work out Pi to three dismal places. Sadly... Pub Names It seems that I cannot call my pub the Go... Put your ear to a shell. Did you know that if you put your ear to...

Rings Why do we call rings on ears earrings, rings on...

Secret Agent A way for a writer or performer to ensure that... Self Deprecating Humour A way of belittling yourself to get laughs. I just... Self Help I also bought a self-help book to deal with impatience.... Self Made Man I have always wondered why "Self made man" is considered... Shadow Cabinet Opposition politicians who pretend they have a real job. Are... Shall I compare thee to a British summers day? Sometimes you are really hot, sometimes wet, but mostly I... Slam Dunk A phrase when someone has an easy goal to achieve.... Sod’s Law Something to do with turf accountants. Probably. [kwee_encyclopedia] Spy "Over there, why is that man wearing an expensive suit... Standing Desks Standing desk have been found to improve employee safety and... Star Wars If you watch all of the Star Wars films backwards... Strombone Like a strumpet but better at sliding in and out.... Sub lime A citrus fruit that really likes being told what to... Submarine A marine who really likes taking orders. [kwee_encyclopedia] Subwoofer The neighbours dog is inexplicably wearing a snorkel and barking... Super Power "What super power would you have?" "Probably Cold War era...

Teriyaki Not the official term for someone who is pathologically scared... The Prisoner ‪Officer: How is the prisoner?‬ ‪Guard: It's not my favourite... Tick List A file kept on parasitic insects. Something for entomologists. Or... Town I hear that the village I live in is going... Trebor Mints Did anyone find out if they did last longer when... Tree Surgeon Endemic of the modern tendency to give jobs more important... Trust Issues I have invented a new product for cleaning you r...

Undercover Sting Whenever I read this phrase I worry that I am...

Vampires If vampires cannot be seen in a mirror, how does... Ventriloquism I am never letting my ventriloquist dummy do my shopping...

White Noise A descriptive term for 90% of podcasts. Also, background chatter... Why do birds suddenly appear, when you are near? I have fat balls. I am also covered with resin... Work Work is the great lie of the modern age, you... Writing When I said that I wanted to write things that...

You can lead a horse to water… but it isn't so easy to fit them in a...