Originally posted on my old blog on November 14th 2016.

Why, as a species, are we so obsessed with measuring things?

And yes, I know that this instantly raises the threat of a penis length joke, but we are better than that, aren’t we?

No? Oh well, I am sure that an innuendo will come along sooner or later for you.

What is it about our psyche makes us want to establish the size of everything? Some things make sense being measured obviously, for example when you are buying construction materials so that everyone can be sure of getting things correct.

Unless you are like me, and you have to go back and check several times and you still end up with entirely the wrong piece when you get home. Then there is the row and recriminations.

I know that it can make many things easier, but it has lead to a situation where more, or larger is always better. As a tall man, I obviously concur with that sort of logic.

So many things in life that are wonderful cannot be quantified though, love, beauty, music and the concept of it nearly being home-time for example.

The same is true of oh so many awful things as well; like grief, pain, loss and the ITV weekend schedule.

The problem with a lot of measurements is that with no actual frame of reference they are pretty much meaningless to the vast majority of us.

For example, 1 acre is 4046.86* metres squared. What does that mean? Well unless you are a farmer could you visualise this? Then for comparative purposes, the media say helpful things like “2 acres is approximately the size of a football pitch.”

Oh okay, how big is a football pitch?

“About 2 acres.” Arse.

It’s not actually that helpful in any quantitative way is it? Unless you are very confident you know how big a football field is, and I have no idea. The last time I stood on a football pitch there were lots of tears and Knight Rider was still on the telly, and not in an ironic repeat on a satellite TV channel.

I used to know someone who was very well described by the Wilde quote as “a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.” He bought beer by the price and the strength. An insane way to live your life, does it taste nice? Do you keep your eyesight after a couple of sips? Who cares? It’s cheap and it gets you drunk.

Hmm. Personally I am happier with something of higher quality but perhaps less copious amounts, and you know the whole keeping my eyesight thing. Apparently that meant that I fancied myself as better than the common sort. As I only very rarely drink alcohol I am not sure what point he was trying to make there.

In the internet age, we are being streamed more and more content, and that has to better doesn’t it? Look at all of these devices that you can watch box sets on! Breaking Bad on your smart TV, Hustle on your games console, Downton Abbey on your tablet, Stranger Things on your phone and The Walking Dead on your internet capable fridge. Cool. (Sorry)

All of this increase in quantity and I still resolutely only have two eyes, two ears and one brain. How lax of me, what can I do to improve this situation? Until those body parts are increased by a kick start of the evolutionary process we appear to be wasting our time a little.

*This exchange rate was correct at the time of writing, with Brexit going on this could possibly have changed by the time that you read this. You are, I am afraid, responsible for handling your own measurements.

Ooh look, there was that penis joke that I promised. You can always trust me to deliver baby.