As the bell tolls for the ships in the harbour of a low budget horror film and the fog washes in ominously from the sea.

Why is the fog synonymous with horror films? 

It’s quite simple really, it covers a multitude of sins when tight budgets only allow for basic and obvious effects. Wires that have bats or spiders hanging from them are much more easily hidden in fog.

As are pedestrians.

Fog is one of the hardest things to drive in because it is massively unpredictable, so what can you do to make sure that you deal with it as safely as possible?

First, make sure that you can actually see out of your windscreen, the amount of people that you will see staring through a gap in the mist on the screen no bigger than a letterbox is frankly amazing. Get the windscreen clear before you even think of moving. Just ever.

The next question is lights. Should I put my fog lights on? Can you see more than 100 metres? (100 metres is two lengths of a swimming pool or about ten buses.*)

If the answer is yes then no fog lights for you. If the answer is no, put the rear ones on but then turn them off when it isn’t foggy anymore. Why am I making such a thing of this? 

Rear fog lights (or High Intensity lights) are about the same brightness as brake lights when you are slowing. This means that they make it less immediately obvious to following traffic that you are braking or stopping. Not good.

“What about my front fog lights Trev” I hear you ask. Good question, we’ll get to that in a minute. 

More importantly, do not use your main beam in fog, they will reflect off the bank of fog and generally reduce your vision not improve it. Imagine looking at Jimmy Carr’s teeth for too long. Exactly. When you look away you would be suffering from snow blindness.

Dipped headlights literally point down so they are much better for foggy situations. If you are still struggling to see the road put your front fog lights on. See? I told you I would get to it.

Also, some insurance will be invalidated if you do not use your fog lights when you should have and you then have an accident. So best to be safe.

Now let’s talk about changes in your driving, slow down and minimise other distractions. Turn off your music, put your phone away and tell any passengers to be quieter than normal. I know this is difficult with children but tell ‘em anyway. 

It is worth opening your window as well if you can. With reduced visibility being able to hear things coming is a great help. Also if you have farted in a nervous panic you can let the smell out. Got to help concentration.

If you are following another vehicle and you think that they are going too slowly do not overtake them or tailgate them. Just take a breath and hold back. Why is this important?

The vehicle in front of you is breaking the fog up for you because it is not solid it moves around an object. The driver in front of you therefore cannot see as well as you can behind them. If you are the car in front waiting until someone overtakes you and then suddenly brakes harshly when they realise that you couldn’t see bugger all.

Slow down, use the correct lights, minimise distractions, leave bigger gaps, listen for other traffic and be careful.

Here’s the most important two though, plan around it. If you can avoid driving in bad weather, do that. Why would you put yourself and others at risk when you could stay at home and put your feet up? Plans can be rearranged more easily than hospital visits can be.

If you must drive though give yourself more time and plan further ahead while you are driving. Stop looking at the front of your bonnet and start thinking about what might be coming up. If you know the road you are on start planning ahead. 

“I know that knackered old Vauxhall Corsa with the spoiler and scratches down the side is always parked up here on the left. Where is it?”

If you don’t you might be adding to the collection of damage to it. You don’t want that, do you? 

If you are a pedestrian in fog keep your wits about you, wear reflective or light coloured clothing and stay on the pavements as much as you can. Better still use parked vehicles and other street furniture as protection if possible. If a car hits a parked car they are not hitting you, are they?

Cyclists? Just stop it. Not in fog, just stop it. It’s like eating a Pot Noodle using a straw. Technically you can do it, but you definitely shouldn’t.

*Ten buses together? Imagine that, crazy times. Room for one more on top vicar?