People who want to stop people coming into the country only want to do that so that being racist is easier when it comes to admin, it was revealed yesterday.

‘Frankly, we have enough people already in this country for me to dislike due to either their skin colour, background or sexual orientation. If you let more people into the country it only makes keeping track of why I hate them into a logistical nightmare.’ Said racist Jambon Fume. ‘Can you imagine the tracking and notes that I would have to make?’

‘How do you expect people like me to cope? You either stop immigration or the Government is going to have to provide people like me with financial assistance to buy electronic devices and aide memoires.’ He added, before furiously punching himself in the mouth for using a French phrase.

Professor Sarah Westmoreland from the Institute of The Hitherto Blindingly Obvious, who has been studying Jambon Fume and his cohorts said it was best if we didn’t point out that his name was also French. ‘He claims it is from ancient Anglo Saxon, when I pointed out that Anglo was a German word and Saxon was French he went a funny colour and his eyes popped alarmingly.’

Jambon has told us that he intends to go and live in Spain because ‘There are no foreigners there, and I would feel safe, eating only fried eggs and drinking disappointingly warm beer.’

The Spanish refused to comment when our Chunky Mango reporter contacted them.