Originally posted on my old blog on October 17th, 2016.

Okay, let’s get this out of the way – I hate what is usually termed “light entertainment” or “family entertainment”

I have a passionate love for things like Morecambe & Wise, The Two Ronnies and so on. No, the sort of thing I do not like is the programmes that rely more on sequins and flashy lights more than any actual definable talent.

Why do I mention this? Well as I write the notes for this piece the top story on the BBC news website is all about Will Young having had a spat with someone on Strictly something or other, and leaving the show. I do not watch it myself so what can I add to that?

Whilst I am sure this is big news for Will Young, and more probably his agent, is it really news for the rest of us?

Mildly diverting maybe for a moment if you like that sort of thing, but not actual news. Not your actual news, not on a day where our Foreign Minister bumbled hilariously through a speech that basically called the Russians out for a fight and suggested that people should be demonstrating outside their Embassy.

I take it that the Russians are going to be our new “enemy” now that the right-wing press cannot get all that frothy about Europe? Oh, that’s business as usual then, let’s reboot the Cold War, shall we? I haven’t had quite enough cold dread and fear these last few years, I don’t know about you.

Why do you hate light entertainment so much Trev? It all stems from Saturday evenings in front of the TV with programmes like Seaside Special, which was a guaranteed entertainment free couple of hours with dullards from BBC Radio where part of the show was a beauty pageant.

A beauty pageant, you heard me.

Even as a young ‘un I knew that that sort of thing made me feel uncomfortable, but to take away the bitter feeling of distaste up popped Cliff Richards, Cilla Black or some other “celebrity” to remind you that things could indeed be worse.

The “Good Old Days” only ever served to make me feel pleased that I hadn’t been around then, and that things like polio and rationing had been. It never seemed that the “good” old days were that good to me.

ITV was not averse to this tawdry tat either, with things like Game for a Laugh, You Bet and others. In fact, ITV has never really stopped pumping out this sort of detritus into your gaping eye sockets. Slap Ant and Dec on the front of it, and people will watch it.

Sadly, it seems that they do.

It also seems that this sort of brightly lit dirge is making more of a comeback, like yesterday’s dinner leftovers, covered in glitter and breathed on by an asthmatic dog to warm it over.

Is this because things are bad? Is it to get people watching the TV together and forgetting that their house is being repossessed from around them, while they laugh at jokes that would make a Christmas Cracker joke writer blush?

“Don’t worry about all of that stuff that you don’t really understand, why not watch some middle of the road singer murder a few classics in front of you?” That’ll make you feel better, won’t it?

“Why not get drunk? Yes, get drunk that is the only way to make this sort of thing palatable. Maybe a take away too?”

If daytime TV is designed to motivate you the get out of the house and get a job, then weekend evening TV is designed to make you not question anything and buy stuff that you do not need to make yourself feel better and to make the voices in your head go away.

I think the thing that I always have really disliked about this sort of televisual programming is that it is totally risk-averse, it is a frightening as a nice woolly jumper, and as challenging as warm toothpaste.

Reboots are the order of the day, not in a Hollywood “gritty” kind of feel but more soporific but with better lighting. Reboots of any kind pretty much show what is wrong with the entertainment industry as a whole in my opinion. I include TV, films and video games in this. They are huge businesses, with lot’s of other peoples money riding on them, so why take a risk? Why not pump out more of the same, but with a new face bolted on the front?

Businesses run entertainment, and businesses are run by people who come from accountancy, marketing or legal backgrounds generally. I accept that these sorts of people are needed to make sure that the companies can afford to keep in business, but they should not be making creative decisions. That should be left to people who have a proven track record that they know how to make things that an audience can appreciate without being patronised.

There is always room for a bit of good light entertainment though, I love Great British Bake Off, Mel and Sue quipping their double entendres like women possessed, and cakes. What’s not to like there?

Disclaimer: I love to bake as well, so that may well be something to do with it.

Top Gear was light (ish) entertainment that could be edgy (too edgy and too casually racist for my liking sometimes) but also bloody good fun. It is possible, with a bit of effort and someone with the creative vision to carry it through.

I will demonstrate the problem with an analogy, here is a joke:

“Mummy, Mummy, can I lick the bowl clean?” “No, you can flush it like everyone else.”

Cue much hilarity etc. It is not a new joke, or even that great, but it is perfectly functional as a joke, all of the relevant bits are there. Good.

Now imagine that joke is somehow a great success, tomorrow people will be making up their own, and mostly slight worse versions, for example:

“Mummy Mummy, I don’t like my little sister.” “Well don’t eat her, and leave her on the side of your plate with your peas.”

This is the version that the TV people will use, why? They do not want to pay the person who made the original joke, why do that when you can just produce your own knock off and stick one of your writer’s names on it? Excellent, much back-slapping all round. Hurrah!

Then the accountants and the marketing people get involved. Should we really be joking about Mums? Mums are a part of our core audience, should they not be feeling more rewarded and included? We want Mums to feel that they can watch our joke, and that they are not being mocked. Completely missing the point that Mum was never the butt of this joke.

Then the accountant chirps up pointing out that the channel that is transmitting the joke has a lucrative contract for advertising peas, so would it be possible for the peas to be something else? What about baked beans?

This is when the lawyer wakes up to point out that the Big Baked Beans ™ company has very active lawyers. Let’s get the writers in here!

The writers come in, hear the concerns of all of these people and come up with the following.

“Person who nominally looks after my care, seeing as I am a minor and am therefore reliant on you for my wellbeing. I don’t like my little sister.”

“That’s okay honey, everyone sometimes has trouble getting on with members of their family (You have to get rid of the cannibalism part of the joke, it could be offensive.) Why not try some lovely garden fresh peas, straight from the field to our freezer?”

Fucking great joke that, isn’t it? Oh wait, it’s not really a joke anymore is it? Not now that it’s has been blasted into it’s component parts and then put back together by someone who was wearing mittens. Big mittens. Mittens that covered their faces, and sense of shame presumably.

And that is my problem with light entertainment.

My Viennese whirls, to prove that I do bake.